The 4:1 Ratio and the Power of Positive Attention
When kids are doing something you don’t think they should be doing, it is natural for us to want to correct them, pointing out — sometimes not too calmly — what they are doing wrong. Though this may seem like common sense because we see this as a teaching moment it just might backfire.
Experts have found that giving kids positive rather than negative attention is much more effective in changing behavior. Research shows that praise for behavior you want to encourage gets more results than calling out things you want them to stop doing.
“The idea is that for children, parental attention is so powerful that whatever behavior we pay attention to will increase, even if we’re telling them to stop.”
What is positive attention?
It’s easy to respond harshly when kids are doing something they’re not supposed to and not react at all when they’re doing what we expect of them. Positive attention requires a lens shift in which we call out kids for good behavior and ignore (at least in the moment) the not-so-good.
The idea is that for children, parent attention is so powerful that whatever behavior we pay attention to will increase, even if we’re telling them to stop.
Essentially, rather than admonishing them for what they’re doing wrong we want to catch kids doing right. It’s a simple shift, but one that goes against centuries of parenting norms and takes some practice before it becomes second nature.
Step 1: Specific and Descriptive Praise
Positive Attention = Connection
So what does this look like in practice? Positive attention can take many forms, including verbal praise, hugs, kisses, high fives or rewards. It may look different for a three-year-old than it does for a teen, but the basic idea is the same.
An important part of this practice is to avoid generalized praise. In other words, “Good job” is not going to hack it. “Thanks for using putting your dishes in the dishwasher” is descriptive and specific. Also, being authentic with your face and tone is important. No matter their age, letting kids know that you appreciate their behavior will make them feel good, and when they know exactly what they are being praised for they will be more likely to do it again in the future.
4:1 Ratio
Simply put, your children should experience predominately positive connections with you (ratio of 4 positive for 1 negative).
Studies of business teams (Losada & Heaphy, 2004) and marriages (Gottman, 1994) play out the power of positive attention:
Business Teams
High Performance = 5.6 positives to 1 negative
Medium Performance = 1.9 positives to 1 negative
Low Performance = 1 positive to 2.7 negatives
Successful Marriages
5.1 positives to 1 negative (speech acts) and
4.7 positives to 1 negative (observed emotions)
Try this at home…
Observe your ratio of positive and negative connections with your child
Observe your praise - is it specific? authentic?